


The Sound Of Grief

by howlingsaturn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Thunderstorms, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 16:43:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21182666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: "For as long as Magnus can remember, thunderstorms have symbolised grief."Magnus is alone during a thunderstorm and worried sick about Alec.





	The Sound Of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this the morning after a heavy thunderstorm and i basically projected my fear of thunderstorms onto magnus but then it turned into something else, something even more personal and… human, i guess. 
> 
> it's sad, depressing even, so please be aware and read on your own risk. i did try to establish a lighter, more hopeful ending but please be careful.
> 
> trigger warnings: death, grief, minor panic/anxiety attacks

There was a thunderstorm on the night Magnus' mother took her life. Magnus remembers it clearly. The storm wild and dark; a perfect mirror to his own. He remembers being scared, every strike of thunder sending another tremor through his body. The angry voice of his stepfather barely rising above the noises of the storm. Magnus feels cold all over just thinking about that night. 

When Etta took her last breath, the rain had just stopped pouring. The air was humid; the promise of a new day and an even brighter sunrise. Magnus remembers holding her, breathing in the clear air. There were soft specks of colour in the sky, forming a beautiful rainbow. It was proof of a heavy thunderstorm passing. 

George died in a symphony of thunders. Magnus wasn't there that night but he can hear the sharpness of the sounds, feel the frantic beat of a heart past saving and see precious memories tainted a blood red. 

Ragnor was different. Ragnor was a bright strike of lightning, a silver flash of pain. It burned right through Magnus' heart, leaving nothing but ash behind. Magnus can still hear the resonating rumble of thunder, Ragnor's voice distant, but real. 

The day Magnus walked away from Alec, it was raining. There was no thunder, no lightning. It was a calm and steady pour of rain. Magnus remembers staring out of the window one evening, reminiscing intimate moments with Alec, and the rain hadn't stopped. It continued until Magnus finally admitted that he was wrong, that he can protect his family of Downworlders and love Alec all the same. The rain grew quieter and slower then, disappearing when they finally took a step in the same direction, making way for warm rays of sunshine. 

For as long as Magnus can remember, thunderstorms have symbolised grief. There was grief in many forms and stages.

_ Anger._ The warm brown eyes of his mother, now a picture of madness and uncontrolled power. 

_ Bargaining._ Etta's soft smile, asking a hundred questions of _ what if._ _What if we had met at a different time, what if we had loved each other, what if the disease hadn't pulled us apart._

_ Denial. _George's gentle touches, feeling oh so cold and faint now. He's been gone for so long and yet Magnus still finds himself struggling to comprehend that. He wasn't allowed to say goodbye, wasn't allowed to grief properly. George was there and in the next second he wasn't. When the message came it was harsh and unforgiving and Magnus hadn't been able to put himself out there after that, at least not for a long time. 

_ Depression_. Ragnor's calming voice, a blanket of quiet and darkness. A darkness so thick, a numbness so bright, Magnus had struggled a long while to find his way back out. The rare moments of sunshine leaving him nothing but cold.

_ Acceptance_. Alec sweet kisses, the promise that eventually, the pain will become bearable. A dull ache that never truly fades, even in all the decades to come. A phantom pain as familiar to his body as breathing. 

For as long as Magnus can remember, thunderstorms have left him grieving, hopeless and frightened. 

It's why he's restless now, pacing back and forth, looking out the glass windows to his balcony every time lightning strikes and illuminates his otherwise dark living room in a hush of white. He counts the seconds and waits for the thunder to hit, keeping his arms around himself and squeezing his eyes shut until it passes.

His heart skips a few beats every time the thunder roars through the sky, giving him goosebumps. 

He takes a deep breath, anxiety flaring up again when his eyes go back to the clock on the wall. It's late, too late. Alec should be long home by now. 

He was meant to go on patrol and even if they had to fight some demons on the way, it couldn't possibly take them this long. He would've let him know if there were disturbances, if they needed help.

Magnus had tried calling but his phone is dead. He had tried to send a fire message but his magic acts as restless as he feels. His fingers are shaking and with the next roar of thunder, he clenches them into fists. 

He doesn't know how long he stands there, looking back and forth between the clock and the storm outside, checking his phone every few minutes to see if he got service. Nothing. 

Magnus is just about to put on his coat and go look for Alec when there's a tremor in his walls. His magic feels Alec approach even before he puts his key into the lock.

Tears spring to Magnus' eyes at the sight of him, dripping wet but otherwise unharmed.

He releases the breath he's been holding but it comes out as more of a panicked sob. 

Alec turns towards the noise immediately. 

"Magnus? Are you awake?" 

He walks into the living room and freezes, a struck of lightning illuminates Magnus' figure in a hush of silver and Alec knows something is wrong just from the way he's standing there, hunched over, arms sheltering his body and a hand clasped over his mouth to keep the cries muffled.

The sound of thunder makes him twitch violently, eyes squeezing shut in fear, and then it clicks. Alec is on him in a second, wrapping his arms around Magnus' body and pulling him tight against his chest. 

"Oh Magnus," he murmurs, overcome by a sudden rush of guilt, "I'm so sorry. It's okay, you're safe." 

He rocks him gently where they stand, stroking his back and pressing a kiss to his hair. 

Magnus trembles in his hold, both from fear and cold, Alec's drenched clothes seeping his own too. But he presses closer regardless, his hands fisting into Alec's shirt. 

"I was so worried," he whispers against his chest, tilting his head a little to tuck himself right under Alec's chin. 

"I know, I'm sorry." 

"Are you--"

"No," Alec interrupts before Magnus can even finish, pulling back enough to be able to look at him. One hand cupping Magnus' jaw, he turns his face upwards. 

"I'm fine. No bruises. I promise." 

Magnus stares at him like he doesn't quite believe it so Alec elaborates. 

"There was a system failure at the Institute. We went back there after patrol to check on it. It took hours to reboot. That's what took me so long." 

Cupping Magnus' cheeks, he presses a long kiss to his mouth. 

"I'm not hurt," he breathes against Magnus' lips, wrapping his arms back around his waist as he feels Magnus' knees give out. 

"C'mon, let's get you warmed up."

They make their way to the bathroom, stripping out of the wet clothes. Magnus takes a moment to breathe through the rounds of thunder, sitting on the side of the tub until they pass. 

As Alec turns on the shower, Magnus' relaxes visibly, the sound of water draining out the voice of the storm. 

Alec reaches for him, holding out his hand, and when Magnus takes it, he guides them both under the showerhead. 

Magnus shivers, the hot water soothing his tensed muscles and Alec can't stop staring. 

The concept of fear has always been abstract to him. As a Shadowhunters, he was raised to be brave and fearless, to never let his fright stop him from doing his job. He would suffer in silence before telling anyone about his inner terror. When Alec had met Magnus, he was exactly the same. He too, would put on a mask and pretend. 

It's different, now that Alec knows his stories. He has carefully peeled off that mask Magnus had created, making way for a more vulnerable version of him. 

Grief. Alec has never experienced much of it, even in his line of work. Sure, he's lost co-workers, been terrified for his sister's or brother's life, but he never had to bury a loved one before. He never had to breathe with a giant hole in his chest, never had to continue his life after the world had stopped spinning and never had to experience the morning after, when just for a second, you had forgotten. He never had that grief come crashing down out of nowhere and threatened to swallow him whole. 

Magnus had. 

Those thunderstorms work as a trigger, bringing back hundreds of painful memories all at once. 

In all his centuries on this earth, grief has never felt as unbearable as it does on those nights.

Alec knows, he's suffering right with him when they happen, since there is nothing he can do to make it better. 

All he does is hold him through the nightmares and panic attacks, kiss away the tears and making sure he stays hydrated.

After one particular, heavy thunderstorm had passed, Alec had asked if it's enough, if there's anything else he can do to take the edge off, to help him through it. 

Magnus had shaken his head, pressed a kiss to his chest, right above his heart, and told him that all he needed was for him to be there. 

So Alec was. He'd came rushing home if there were warnings of a storm. He'd put on some music or a movie to drown out the noises and hold him close. 

Tonight though, he forgot, too focused on keeping the chaos at the Institute under control.

Alec wants to slap himself for it. 

"Stop overthinking," Magnus says and when Alec raises his gaze to look at him, there are fresh tears in his eyes. "You're here now, that's all that matters." 

Alec doesn't know what to respond to that so he kisses him, deep and raw and honest, and Magnus reacts just as greedily. 

"I love you," Alec murmurs into the space between them, watching the water wash away Magnus' tears. 

"I love you," Magnus repeats breathlessly, all his pain and grief showing in the way his voice breaks, no doubt reminding him of his loved ones. Of those, he can never see again or tell them how much he loves and misses them. 

It's heartbreaking to witness, the haunted look in his eyes bringing tears to Alec's own.

The emptiness in his gaze will be gone tomorrow, Alec knows from experience, but it doesn't make it any easier now.

Pressing another kiss to Magnus' lips as a thunder roars in the distance, he pushes Magnus right under the stray of water, tilting his head back and stroking fingers through his hair. 

The stay like that for a long time, the only sound to be heard the crashing of the water against the tiles and their simultaneous breathing. 

Alec gently coaxes him out when he's sure the worst of the storm has passed, telling him stories of his childhood shenanigans as they get ready for bed, if only to keep his mind from wandering. 

It's quiet that night, nothing but a couple of raindrops knocking on their windows.

Still, sleep doesn't come easy, not for either of them, so they simply huddle close. 

Magnus eyes begin to droop in the early morning hours, a few rays of sunshine finding their ways through the blinds and enveloping him in warm, golden light. 

It's a stark contrast from the way he had looked last night and Alec can't help but be grateful for the beginning of a new day. 

Pushing a hair away from Magnus' face, Alec watches as his eyes finally fall shut, exhaustion smoothing out his tensed features and making his body soft and pliant. 

Alec shuffles a little closer, his hand never stops stroking a path up and down Magnus' back.

He presses a kiss to his forehead, letting the tears he had tried to push back earlier fall freely now that Magnus' mind had finally found some rest. 

Loving someone is hard sometimes. Losing them or watching them suffer are by far the most difficult parts. But at the end of the day, love is always worth it. All that time spent loving someone is a gift worth cherishing and worth remembering.

Alec knows, that if another thunderstorm were to rise tomorrow, he'd do it all over again.

And Magnus, with all his grief and heartbreak, would never once consider to stop loving. 

**Author's Note:**

> never forget that you are loved and that you're not alone. not in your sadness or grief or anger or hopelessness or whatever it is that you're feeling right now. please reach out to someone. xx


End file.
